I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
