the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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