I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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