Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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