when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
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