I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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