every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Randomize
