i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Randomize
