I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
