i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
