i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
