I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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