So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
