Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
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hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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