Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
