He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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