i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I CAN MOONWALK!
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
