I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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