Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
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I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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