And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
