My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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