can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
She swung at the pinata with crutches
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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