I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
cat food counts as protein by the way
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
My feet surprised me
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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