I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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