i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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