I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
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