If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
