Betty ford says i'm here all night
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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