Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Randomize
