So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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