I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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