What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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