That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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