She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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