My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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