I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
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