Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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