you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Girls should come with a carfax report
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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