Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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