She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
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He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
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I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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