We're like a lot better than the average bears
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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