shes about as inviting as chlamydia
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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