bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
