We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
