So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
it's not cheating when I paid for it
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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