As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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