When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
