giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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