I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Randomize
