I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
