I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
