Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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