I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
