I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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