last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
