We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
The power of my boobs compel you
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
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