Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
